A note

Dear Sales Woman,

I saw you today at your post outside of the ghetto grocery store in town. You know the one -- it's conveniently built next to a large apartment complex full of questionable residents who have WIC checks and EBT food stamp debit cards burning a hole in their pockets. Remember them? Good strategic planning on the grocery store's part, but I digress.

This is not a note to the ghetto grocery chain. Oh no. It's a note to you, the woman selling. . . well, I'm not exactly sure what you were selling. It appeared to be some sort of child identification kit. To be honest, I didn't let you get far enough into your sales pitch to even find out what it was. I was a bit distracted by the lime green lizard beanie baby you had precariously perched upon your shoulder. Was this supposed to entice me to purchase your items? Or perhaps the t-shirt you thrust at me was supposed to be the deal clincher. Um, no thanks. I don't see you making much money at this gig to be honest with you. Maybe your opening line of, "Hey sweetheart!" with your sexy (?!) eye wink works with men, but did you truly think it would work with me? I'm a 31 year old mini-van driving mother . . . I don't really get swayed by a woman in a floral dress and 80's hair winking at me and calling me sweetheart. Does that normally work for you? Are you the top finger print kit seller in your division?

I understand that everyone has to make a living, but good God. If I tell you I'm not interested, please take me at my word. Don't follow me into the vestibule of the grocery store to try to convince me. I thought your damn stuffed lizard was going to fall off your shoulder and I would laugh out loud at you. I didn't want to embarrass you, I just wanted you to go away.

Will I see you at that grocery store again? I can't imagine that it was a good sales day for you. I suspect the majority of the residents in the neighboring apartment building don't really like to have their finger prints on file anyplace, if you catch my drift. However, the next time I see you there, and I'm sure I will, please remember me. I don't think it will be hard. Just a reminder -- I'm the crazy bitch who told you to please get your creepy lizard away from me so I could buy my milk.

XOXO,
The Real Housewife of Rutherford County.

Still Pitiful

Henry's temperature yesterday rose to 106, where it held steady. It would go down temporarily with Ibuprofen, but would shoot right back up. I called the on-call physician last night because I was nervous that it was so high with no additional symptoms. I brought him in to see the pediatrician this morning, and his temp was still 106. Seriously? I didn't even know our thermometer went that high. (FYI, it goes to 111. If I ever see that on the display because it's the temperature of someone in this house I will pass out.) His ears are clear, no vomiting, no headache, and his rapid strep test came back negative. They're sending a second culture out for additional testing, but I think that will come back negative also. He has no fever now, incredibly, but is clearly not feeling well. He's very lethargic and sad. I'm supposed to call the doctor back on Wednesday if he still has a fever. I'm pretty sure it's just something viral, because he does seem to be slightly better. He'll definitely be taking his first sick day from school tomorrow!

Pitiful

We didn't go to the park to ride bikes today. Why? Because Henry's rocking a fever of 104.4. He and David went outside to play this morning, but he came right back in. I thought he was acting unusually sedate. He gave me a hug, and I instantly knew he had a fever. I didn't expect it to be as high as it is, but I guess that's why I'm not in the medical field. David won't leave the poor child alone and wants to be all up in Henry's business on the couch. And I mean IN his face, kissing him all over, licking him, and just being a pain. Henry's laying on the couch and David's wants to lay with him. RIGHT next to him, snuggling underneath the same blanket. He finally settled for this arrangement. Lord help me.

Sunday

So I never updated Friday night. . . oops. We had a good week. Last weekend we went to the pumpkin patch, which is quite possibly David and Henry's favorite place on earth. They were very well behaved, which always makes things more fun.

They each had a great week at school. Henry was upset that I hadn't signed him up for tumbling. He said all of his friends go. I asked who and he said, "ALL of them." I asked what their names were and he said, "I don't know, I just call them 'friend'." His teacher told me the next day that he really wants to do tumbling and when the other kids go he gets upset because I didn't sign him up. I asked if most of his class does it, because he totally made it sound like he was the only one sitting in the classroom while the rest of the kids were at tumbling. Notsomuch. Three children go. Three. Starting Tuesday it will be four, because Henry will be going too.

Jack's tooth finally broke the skin, which has made him a much happier boy. It was all swollen and red for a couple of days, and he was VERY disappointed about it. As was I! He's pulling up on everything and will hold onto the couch, tub, etc. and walk along whatever he's holding on to. He'll also hang onto the couch with one hand and turn and grab the ottoman with the other. I'm so not ready for him to be walking, which I suspect will be sooner rather than later. He is climbing on anything he can get to. I fear he's going to be as curious and fearless as Henry!

How is it almost October?? I need to get on the Christmas shopping bandwagon. We've already made our list of what we'll be getting everyone, so I do feel prepared. I just need to decide on teacher gifts. Any good ideas? We love their teachers, so I want to make sure it's something cute!

Work is great. I really love it. The people I work with and for are a good group. This was definitely the right decision for us.

I brought David and Henry to karate class yesterday morning. They did well! It was not at all what they were expecting. What were they expecting? Karate Spongebob-style, I'm sure. You know, lots of "HI-YA!"-ing. This was a 60 minute class with a warm-up, drills, balancing and coordination exercises, etc. The instructor was WONDERFUL. So patient, very serious about Karate, but not in a scary way. He did a lot of traditional Korean Karate with them, but also a lot of fun things too. Henry amazed me. He watched so carefully, listened, was very respectful, and did such a wonderful job. David was a little iffy, but he'll be going back next week. He needs to get used to the idea that you can't always just do what you want, and I think this is a good discipline for him to learn that. He didn't like to do the warm-up and drills, but once they got to the kicking and punching he was more than happy to participate. The best part about karate class? It's three dollars per person. Yes, you read that correctly. THREE DOLLARS. They will absolutely be going back next weekend.

We're going to go to the park this morning to ride bikes and play. I'm not sure what we'll do this week. I'm sure a trip to the pumpkin patch again. And I have a dentist appointment. Yuck. My sister's babysitting while I go to the dentist, and she claims she doesn't know how to change a diaper. I guess she'll learn!!

Updates

Fooled you -- one coming later. This whole working/blogging/parenting thing is wearing me out. I mean seriously - how am I supposed to have time on Fridays to work, read People magazine, eat my lunch outside while leisurely sipping my Diet Coke, check out my favorite blogs, do my nails, AND have time for all the parenting and cleaning responsibilities I should be paying attention to? I'll update after all of the boys have gone to bed. I expect you'll be holding your breath until then.

Call the Authorities

Let me set the scene for you: The checkout at Super Target, David and Henry riding side by side in the shopping cart of Humvee proportions, Jack strapped to the front of me happy as a clam in his Baby Bjorn. Yes, I looked like an insane woman. We pay for our goodies and I maneuver the monstrosity out of the store. I was sweating. Literally. We walked out the door and David said, "That was fun. And guess what I got?" I was confused, because he got nothing. I asked what he got, and he whipped out a box of Mentos. THAT HE STOLE. I pulled a U-turn with the beast shopping cart and walked back in. We went right to customer service where he handed the Mentos to the woman and said, "I stole these. I'm sorry." She looked at me, then looked at him, and said, "What did he just say?" I asked David to tell her again and he said, "I'm sorry. I took these and didn't pay for them." She was trying not to laugh and thanked him for bringing them back and said he shouldn't do that again. As we got outside, I told him that I was glad he told me that he took them, and that we don't take things without paying for them. He wouldn't look at me and said, "I know that Mama. I'm not proud." Maybe he wasn't proud, but when he said that, I was.

The Enforcer

Henry: Mama, if you do that again, that's it. I'm gonna whip your butt, put you in the corner, and set your timer. And don't even THINK about getting up before your timer dings. D'you know why? Because I'll get the extra carseat and strap you into it in the corner. You got it?!

Me: (Almost choking because I'm laughing so hard) Henry, what did I do to get into trouble?

Henry: YOU DON'T EBEN KNOW?!

Me: How long will I be in the corner?

Henry: A bery, bery, bery long time. 27 weeks. And I don't eben care if you have to go potty real bad while you're in there. You have to hold it.

Me: But Henry. . .

Henry: NO BUTS! Get in the corner!

Ah. . . so he does listen to me. . . And yes, I've been known to strap a child into a spare carseat in the corner to enforce the time-out for an escapee. Don't judge me.

Yee Haw!

Favorite Cake Ever!

Matching smash cake

Have You Seen It?

I'm a HUGE fan of Bravo TV. Have you seen Tabitha's Salon Takeover? I. Love. It. She is the sort of manager that any retail-ish location needs. She knows her stuff and she doesn't take any crap from anyone. I plan on laying on the couch right now to watch an episode while all of my children are in bed. At 6:13.

Anyone? Anyone?

Have any tips on how to navigate the waters that are inhabited by a moody, sometimes whiny, often demanding, ridiculously bossy, mostly poor listening, witty, funny, smart, silly, mini-me four year old? Because I'm really looking for some suggestions. Patience, reasoning, time outs, threats, bribes, stickers, stamps, treats, and rewards aren't working today. I'm ready to hit the bottle, and it's 5:45. Oh yeah, and I don't drink.

I hope the dirty dish fairy plans on stopping here tonight, because the one who lives here was up with Jack last night four times, didn't get much sleep, and doesn't feel like washing dishes. The dinner fairy also didn't feel like cooking dinner, so she headed for the border and got some Taco Bell. David told me to "get the salad out" of his taco. Right, that would be lettuce.

New Couch

So we got our "new" couch last weekend. We should have just moved a jungle gym into the living room. We got a sectional with a recliner at one end and an ottoman, and David and Henry haven't sat down since we moved it in. It's prime running space. And jumping. And hiding behind in the corner. I found three blankets, eleven trains, six books, a bowl of popcorn, and Henry behind there yesterday. And getting feet stuck in the freaking recliner as it's being shut. No, I'm not kidding. Chris had to TAKE THE DAMN THING APART to get David's legs out. I probably would have left them in there. I'm just saying. . .

WHOO HOO!

Biggest Loser premiere tonight!!! I love that show. And Bob is totally my boyfriend. Except, is he gay? I so wish my mom was fat so we could go on the show together. I think we'd be really funny. Is it bad to wish my mom was fat??

Gee, thanks

Me: (trying on a cute sweater I got at Target) Hey, how does this look?
Chris: Oh, that doesn't look good.
Me: You don't think so?
Chris: No. Seriously, that looks really, really bad. It's not flattering AT ALL.

Now, I'm all for honesty. I really would not like him to tell me that it looks nice if it doesn't. But, come one! Filter those thoughts!

Scary, Scary, Scary!!!

Hurricane Henry strikes again. . . My dad was out of town this weekend, and I brought the boys to see my mom yesterday. David, Jack, my mom, and I went out on the deck. Henry wanted to stay in to play in the TV room, which he does all the time by himself. I went in to check on him about 10 minutes after we went out and he was playing, then ten minutes later same thing. The third time I went to check on him, probably ten minutes after the second time I went in, he wasn't in the TV room. I started calling his name, checking the bathroom and other rooms downstairs and couldn't find him. The front door was locked, so I knew he hadn't gone out that door. I checked upstairs and in the attic - no Henry. I came downstairs and went into the garage. There he was, with the garage door closed, sitting in my mom's running car, locked in, with his hands over his ears crying hysterically screaming, "I'm trapped! I'm trapped!" My mom's keys were in the console of her car in the garage, and she has a remote starter on her keychain. He had started the car with the keychain, and it automatically locks the doors. The radio was on, he couldn't figure out how to unlock the doors, and he was distraught. (And, a little bit, so was I!) I think that's the first time he's scared himself enough to not do something again!

Edited to add: My mom later remembered that she had opened the windows in the garage earlier that day . . . still super scary, but that made me feel much, much better!

Daddy Math

1 cardboard box

+

3 children

+

1 creative daddy

+

1 roll of duct tape

+

1 black Sharpie

+

6 hours until Mommy comes home

=

1 rocket my children have been playing with for 2 days

Three Weeks

Three weeks is the time period I spent away from my Weight Watchers meetings. Three pounds is the amount I gained in that time. Boy it was a tasty three weeks!

Tuesday Twelve

1. My previous post was my 300th post! Who knew I had so much to say? OK, so anyone who knows me knew I had so much to say!

2. David and Henry got haircuts yesterday. I seriously paid $35 for two haircuts so they could watch TV while they got it done and put some hair in a crazy machine to get a rubber duck before we left. And, with the hassle, tears, and tantrums I would get at a "normal" salon, it's worth every penny.

3. I brought David and Henry to a class at work yesterday. Henry was all about climbing on the balance beam (which he called a "measure") when he wasn't supposed to. David ran around like Forrest Gump for about 7 minutes. The class is 45 minutes long. When there were about 10 minutes left, they both came out of the gym and wanted to get popcorn and juice boxes at Target. I'm glad we didn't pay for the class!

4. Jack thinks he's a big shot now and would rather stand up in his crib, hanging on to the side and bouncing up and down than go to sleep. He's put himself to sleep since he was born, so this is a mildly irritating new development!!

5. We're getting a "new" couch!! I've hated the red couch we have literally since the day it was delivered four years ago. HATE it. My in-laws are getting a new sofa on Friday, and we're trading our couch for their current couch. They'll put our couch in their basement, and we'll have a cozy nice sectional. I can't wait. It's so much nicer than our red monstrosity. They're so getting the bad end of this deal.

6. Any ideas on how to make my children sleep later? David and Henry are up before 5:30 every morning. And it doesn't matter what time they go to bed -- keeping them up later doesn't make them sleep later. I've tried!

7. What happened to my Menu Monday?? It's such a good idea, and I keep forgetting.

8. Do we think there's any connection between me not going to WW for three weeks and gaining (at my estimation) 4 or 5 pounds? Could someone please explain to me why paying another person $12 a week is the motivation I need to stay on track?

9. I'm ready for cool weather.

10. After haircuts yesterday D&H were complaining that they were itchy. I normally anticipate this and bring an extra shirt for each of them, but for some reason forgot yesterday. We ran to Target, and scored some major bargains. I got Jack two pairs of pants and three shirts, David and Henry each got a shirt, and I got two gifts -- each item was $1.98. I should have looked more, but we were going to be late for their class.

11. Does anyone have any black workout type pants that they love? I need to wear them to work, and I'm having trouble finding some that I am in love with. I have several pairs that are OK, but nothing that I'm loving. Since I need to wear them 5 times a week, I'm trying to find some that I'm really happy with.

12. Update on our engine that needs to be replaced: We've still done nothing other than add the stuff that Chris put in, and it's still working. It's randomly smoking when we start it. Perhaps the other smoke that was coming out was blown up our rear ends at the dealership when they told us we needed a new engine . . .

Baby Einstein?

I'm just saying. . .

Bedtime

Dear David and Henry,

Let me start by saying that, even when you act wicked, I still love you.

Now let's talk about bedtime. Seriously guys, give it up. If you're not going to take a nap, you're going to bed early. Please stop fighting with me about it. Bedtime should be nice and relaxing for you. You'll grow to love it - trust me on that one. You don't need to fight with me. Or with each other. This really just prolongs the process and pisses me off.

And your incessant requests? You know the ones I'm talking about -- I need a drink, I need a bigger drink, I need my big honking drink in the orange cup, No not THAT orange cup, the one with no teeth marks, I need a snack, IWANTTOEATCINNAMONTOASTINMYBED!, I want the light on, I want the fan off, I need to go potty, I want you to come potty with me, Get out of the bathroom I want to be alone, Don't leave the room I want you near me, Help me back in my bed, Read me a story, Read me another story, No not that story, I need {insert obscure train name here -- you know, the one we lost 7 months ago} in my bed with me or I can NEVER sleep again, My sheet has crumbs, My covers are twisted, My covers are too hot, My covers are too cold, I don't like the color of this sheet, I want a silky pillowcase because this one is rough, This pillowcase feels wet, No it's not cold, I TOLD you it's wet. . . Get the picture? All of that business needs to stop. And so too does the constant, "But Mama, can I just tell you one more fing?" It doesn't count as one more thing if you ask 89347 more things.

And no, you may not watch Spongebob until you fall sleep dreaming of all of the things he says that I don't like.

Yes, I am serious when I say that if you don't stay in your room I will turn the doorknob around and lock you in. Try me.

Sweet dreams!
XOXO,
Mama

And They're Off!

Off to school, that is! Things went very smoothly this morning to get everyone dressed, ready, and out of the house on time for school. I laid everyone's clothes out last night, got D&H's backpacks ready, packed their lunches, and had all of my breakfast ingredients ready to go. I will definitely continue to do this, because normally Chris will be the one to bring them to school. He's definitely not used to having to get all three ready to go someplace by himself, so I'll do as much as I can to expedite that process for him.

The boys were very excited while we were at home. They got ready with no problems and were waiting by the door about 20 minutes before we had to leave. Of course I couldn't let them go without taking some pictures. . . What a change from last year! This is what they looked like last year on the first day of school.

Once we got there, Henry wanted to come into David's room with us. We brought David in and got him settled, and Henry actually walked to his room by himself to do a puzzle. Their rooms are adjoining, which I can see will be an issue at first. They both escaped to each other's room more than once during just the short time I was there. I brought an epipen to leave in Henry's classroom, just in case. I explained to his teacher how to use it, and she seemed very nervous. I showed her how to inject it, etc. but I don't feel really confident about it. Thankfully we've never even come close to having to use it. She did assure me that they had his allergy information, and that he's not the only child in the room with food allergies, so I do feel like they're definitely aware of the issue. I just hope they never have to use the epipen!!

David seemed a little overwhelmed in his room. It was his old classroom from last year, but I didn't see any of the same students. He also only had 7 other children (all boys) in his class last year, and there were significantly more this year. He was a bit apprehensive, and Henry didn't even notice I was gone. I was expecting the reverse of those reactions, especially since it's Henry's first day of school ever. I'm sure they'll both have a great day and come home with lots of stories!

ETA: They both had a great day! Henry was sound asleep, snoring on his nap mat when I got there to pick them up. David was, not surprisingly, sitting on his mat in the middle of all of the sleeping children. Sort of like he was watching over all of them. After his initial apprehension he, in typical David fashion, ran the classroom. He and Henry met a couple of times throughout the day in the hallway between their rooms to hug and say they missed each other. When David came into Henry's room with me they kissed each other. They crack me up. Henry's teacher showed me a photo she took of Henry asleep on his nap mat, holding the hand of the little girl who was next to him! And Henry told me, "I only do one fing naughty today." He apparently took some bubbles off the shelf and wasn't supposed to. He said, "Mine teacher tell me to put dem back. I didn't want to, but I listened 'cuz it was my first day." They survived!

Who Needs an Alarm Clock?

12:15 AM - Henry wants a drink
3:20 AM - Jack stood up in his crib and forgot how to lay back down
4:11 AM - David wet his bed and came into our room
4:12 - 4:30 AM - I laid in bed mentally trying to psych myself up to go change David's pee soaked bed
4:31-4:35 AM - I change the top bunk's sheets while trying not to wake Henry up on the bottom bunk
4:36 AM - I retrieve David, who is by now wide awake, and bring him back to his room with the hushed instructions to not wake Henry up.
4:40 AM - Having just gotten comfortable in my bed again, I close my eyes.
4:41 AM - Jack is crying.
4:44 - 5:00 AM - I alternated between nursing Jack and going across the hall to David and Henry's room to tell them to be quiet, go back to sleep, etc. because it's "the middle of the night".
5:02 AM - I throw the towel in and just get up. Or, I guess accept that I am up. With everyone settled in their rooms, I hop on the exercise bike and turn on CNN.
5:12 AM - David wants cinnamon toast. I stop riding the bike, get his order from the kitchen, and turn on the living room TV for Henry and David
5:20 AM - Henry needs a drink
5:25 - 5:55 AM - Various demands for food and drink, wipe my bum, get this toy down, put that toy up. . .
6:00 AM - Commence the fighting for the day. David won't let Henry play with the trains. Henry turns the TV off. David whines that he wants to play with Henry then won't let him play. . .

All I can say is THANK GOD school starts today!!!!