There Should be a Handbook For This

This whole being a responsible adult should come with a handbook.

Lesson number one:
Who knew dogs needed their ANAL GLANDS CLEANED?! Lucy's been dragging her hiney all over the house for two days now. This morning she was licking her bum like it was her job. Come on, that's disgusting. I asked Henry if he pooped in his diaper because the room smelled so bad. Nope -- it was Lucy's freaking anal glands secreting all over the damn house. I looked up "dog dragging bum" on the Internet. I'm very technical. I quickly learned that it was most likely that her anal glands needed to be cleaned. WHAT?! Freaking sick. After reading the do-it-yourself version on the Internet, paying close attention to the portion instructing me to insert one finger into my dog's BUTT HOLE to squeeze her gland with strong pressure, I quickly dialed the vet. Thankfully they were able to squeeze her right in. Let me tell you, the stench coming from her rear after having her bum cleaned could kill a cow. Yikes. I'm soooooo glad I didn't wait longer! And why on earth would someone opt to do that at home? It only cost $16!

Lesson number two:
Preschool aged boys are obsessed with their genitalia. Every time I turn around, David's naked with his penis in his hand. If I hear one more time, "OH MY! It's getting SO BIG!" I'm going to lose it. I think I say, "That's private" about 147 times a day. I don't want to see that!

I trust there will be many more lessons to come, as I have to learn them the hard way. Without a handbook.